Tuesday, April 20

Me vs. Snake

It was huge.


All slimy looking and different colors and all 'sneaking around the steps.'

I HATE snakes. They freak me out - they are just so sneaky and dangerous.

And I have the mother of all snakes apparently living under my front porch.

I saw him while I was sweeping the porch steps. He was hiding in the crack between the bottom cement step and the cement slab. He was huge. As big around as a coke bottle and 6 feet long. He was black and white and yellow-ish and he had big, red beady eyes that stared at me as his long white fangs blazed in the afternoon sunlight. He hissed at me and showed his forked tongue and his fangs were dripping with the poison that would kill me where I stood, broom in hand. He was evil, this monster, and I was a goner.

Yeah, my neighbor laughed too.

Home alone, frantically completing house chores during Connor's afternoon naptime, I flagged down my neighbor who was working in his shop. "I need some help! Bring and shovel! Make sure it is a pointy one!"

It was gone by the time we got back to the porch and he thought the whole thing was amusing even though I was sure I would be attacked the next time I went near the step. By this time, Roy had come home and both he and my neighbor had a laugh at my expense, and exaggerations.

And I know he is still there. We have an old root cellar under that porch. There is this old wooden door in the basement that leads into it and I have only been in there once. And it was plenty enough for me. It is all dirt and it smells and it is full of spiders. And, apparently, snakes.

Roy fished out a huge old pickle crock from that cellar, which I love, but the door has been sealed and we just pretend it is not there. Because it is creepy. And that is where he lives, according to our neighbor who grew up in this house. And, all the little snake brothers and sisters live in the old well house in the front yard, on top of which sits my heavy stone birdbath. I don’t like to go near that either.

I am very particular about certain things. Spiders and snakes are two of them. They are right up there on the list of things that I could really do without ever seeing again for the rest of my natural born days. Add having ants in the house, un-scooped cat litter and scraping ice off my windshield in winter and you have my top five annoyances that will drive me to fits.

Spiders and snakes, and ants for that matter, are all creepy, sneaky gross things that I am sure serve some purpose but that I cannot stand. But for some reason we seem to have an abundance of snakes and spiders of all sizes, shapes and colors around this house. I am sure some are poisonous and I know that one of them, or a combination of them ganging up on me will be the end of me some day.

But as long as I have my shop vac, broom, and my neighbor with a pointy shovel, I may be around awhile longer.


  1. dont worry too much about the snakes. they are keeping down the rodent population. besides the girls will take care of the little ones if they come near them and if you have cats they will get some little ones as well. If they are garter snakes they are the good ones and they wont bother you. By the way I hate rats and basements and attics as well...I wouldnt have gone in the root cellar either. never can tell what might be hiding down there...I think I read too much Stephen King lol.